Camosun College announces it “won’t even” next time snow falls
After facing endless scrutiny over closing mid-day last time there was a snowfall, but knowing it would face an exact even amount of scrutiny if it didn’t open—or stayed open—Camosun College recently announced that it “won’t even” next time there’s a snowfall. When pressed for further details, a spokesperson for the college declined, just repeating, “we won’t even,” shaking his head solemnly, and walking away.
Camosun College Student Society to just start throwing loaves of bread at students’ faces
Convinced it’s still not doing enough for students who are facing food insecurity, the Camosun College Student Society (CCSS) board voted at a recent meeting to walk around campus and just throw loaves of bread at students’ faces. “We have bread, you need bread, take the damn bread,” said CCSS external director Michelle Turnbuckle, before screaming “heads-up!” and overhanding a sourdough at a puzzled student’s head. “If this is what we have to do, this is what we have to do. Heads-up!” Student Samantha Smith was puzzled, probably concussed, but happy. “Beats paying $8 for a loaf at the store!” said Smith, before taking a quick nap in the Fisher foyer. The CCSS recently announced that their next campaign will involve frozen meals, much to the terror of students across campus.
“Alaska was working undercover”: source
After much investigative journalism, Nexus has discovered that Alaska, the neighbourhood tabby cat who frequently visits Camosun’s Lansdowne campus, has been working undercover as a vape peddler this whole time. The fluffy tabby quickly won the hearts of Camosun students, but little did most know she was also working the system. Imbedded in her fur at any given time are roughly 50 vapes of various flavours and nicotine strengths, begging the question: did students ever really love Alaska’s presence or were they addicted to it? “She has an excellent nose,” said a vape shop owner who requested to stay anonymous. “She often visits the college to sniff the vape clouds then reports back the flavour of the month so we know what the kids are after.”
Nicolas Ihmels admits that he never liked movies
In a bombshell plot twist, Nexus staff writer Nicolas Ihmels admitted on his last day of work for the paper that he in fact “can’t stand” movies and didn’t watch a single one that he reviewed over the past several years working at Nexus. “I don’t know, it just seemed like a funny thing to do,” said Ihmels, shrugging his shoulders while tossing a Citizen KaneDVD in the trash. “It was all a long-game prank. Cue end credits,” said Ihmels as he walked off into the sunset.