I aim to bring more awareness to a topic that is not completely understood in our society: addiction. Specifically, I speak to sex and love addiction, because addiction to sex, validation, relationships, and so-called “love” has ruled over much of my life.
Of course, it isn’t real love anyone becomes addicted to. In reality, it is validation, fantasy, romantic intrigue, and/or a sense of power or control. As well, for many of us, sex can be powerfully addictive and feel very convincingly like love. At the heart of seeking to attain at any cost these mirages of love is a deep and all-pervasive sense of shame or self-rejection.
I have noticed a distinct inverse relationship between self-acceptance and the cessation of addictive, compulsive behaviour: the more I accept, cherish, value, validate, and am kind to myself, the less I compulsively pursue a person to “love” me. In the past, this pursuit has been so intensely compelling that I have endured relationships that ranged from unfulfilling and half-empty to abusive.
Healing shame, recovering from addiction—this is not easy work. I make mistakes, and I do not always exit relationships or handle real or perceived rejection with grace, although I no longer shame myself for my mistakes or for any of my feelings or behaviours. Contrary to what many people seem to believe, shaming ourselves, or others, is not an effective way to elicit change.
What’s more, we often are not even aware that we are well-rehearsed experts at self-shaming. It is quite common, as far as I can tell, and it’s encouraged in our society through insidious advertising, and it’s often passed down from our parents, who shamed us, or shamed themselves.
I encourage you to listen carefully to how you talk to yourself in your mind. For better or worse, we are all talking to ourselves all day long. This could be a complex philosophical conversation in itself, since the very notion of talking to oneself implies that there are two of “me.” Nevertheless, do you regard yourself with patience, kindness, and unconditional compassion? Or do you chastise yourself or make conditions for your self-approval?
I decided, after finally getting out of a physically abusive relationship—which is no easy feat—that I would never again abandon or reject myself. I vowed to love myself unconditionally. Even if I behaved as an addict, I would love myself. Even if I failed at everything I ever again attempted, I would be a kind voice and presence to myself.
My life has changed quite dramatically since I made that vow. I have not upheld it perfectly, but it’s central to my recovery from an otherwise debilitating addiction.