When it comes to dating, I’ve always been given advice such as “Be yourself,” “Don’t be weird,” and “Absolutely do NOT talk about eating someone’s ass.” Believe it or not, this is actually terrible advice when it comes to Tinder. Changing my bio to “Let me lick your bum” was the greatest revelation in my dating life since I started wearing deodorant!
Unfortunately, I can only speak to the experience of a male on Tinder… Well, also, to the experience of a pink furby and Chicken McNuggets. But neither of those read, so it’s not really applicable here. So, let’s start with pictures!
First of all, right off the hop, you’re going to want to put your best foot forward, just your best vanilla picture that doesn’t make you look like a psychopath. In the business, we call this “the hook,” something that’s going to want to make the recipient probe the right side of their screen to creep the rest of your pictures. Follow that photo of you rock climbing in Washington up with a group photo in a suave bar, then a picture of you in a dirty hotdog costume from that Halloween you’ll never remember because six shots of Drambuie surgically severed those memories. You should never take yourself too seriously, because, as all of us know, nothing is sexier than a clown.
Next up is a clever bio. Like I said, the key is to absolutely not take yourself seriously, which gives the illusion of confidence. A blank bio on a dating app screams, “I’m boring and will definitely take you to The Drake on our first date!” Be daring. Take mine, for example: I start with a tasteful “Let me lick your bum” as to abide by the fascination with butt-play in Tinder lore, followed up by a playfully self-deprecating “I have more chest hair than your dad,” because dad bods are in this year, then just three unicorn emojis. Now you should be ready to get to messaging your matches!
In my experience, a simple “Hey” doesn’t inspire a response; it’s a little lacklustre. So swing for the fences—just say the weirdest thing you can think of! “I want you to paint me green and spank me like the disobedient avocado that I am!” or “Man up and peg me already.”
Amazingly, I’ve found that both of these prompts will get you a first date.