If you notice that students seem a bit happier this week, not to mention falling over drunk, that’s because an error on the part of work crews occurred while installing a new pipeline that has replaced the school’s drinking water with local craft beer. A spokesperson for Camosun College says this couldn’t come at a worse time and it will impact many students intent on finishing the winter semester, but adds that it’s “kind of nice” that some winter ale has made it into the pipes.
“The construction crews have made a major misstep and Camosun students will pay the price,” said a spokesperson for the college, before going into a very detailed and analytical breakdown of the pros and cons of winter ales, triple IPAs, and doppelbocks.
An anonymous source close to the pipeline project said that construction crews are short-staffed and overworked.
“It was only a matter of time before something unexpected happened,” says the source, before stopping to let some beer pour out of a pipe straight into his mouth. “Personally, I think it’s great, but others will disagree.”
On April 1, crews installing a section of pipe that runs under Government Street to Pandora and toward the Inner Harbour made some miscalculations. The pipe also runs under a couple of microbreweries; several cellaring tanks, where beer is matured before packaging, were punctured. Fresh brew from Vancouver Island Brewery, Phillips, and Swan’s Brewpub have since drained into the new pipeline, which ends up at Camosun’s Lansdowne campus.
“Could have been worse,” shrugged an anonymous source at the college. “Could have been Budweiser. I’m just wondering if Phillips will put any of their seasonals in there. I mean, they might sneak a surprise reintroduction of that delicious Polaris milk stout in.”
“I couldn’t be happier,” adds Nexus managing editor Greg Pratt. “The porter coming out of the office faucet is damn tasty. Did you see the length of our feature stories this semester? This is really going to help me get through editing those. Wait, is this on the record?”
Officials from all parties involved hope to have the situation corrected as soon as possible, but, in the meantime, the college has found one unexpected bonus: enrolment for spring and summer classes has already skyrocketed, and cafeteria sales are through the roof. On the downside, the state of the bathrooms has been more than the college’s custodial staff can deal with.
“I saw one student trying to drink from the toilet because all the other faucets and fountains were in use,” says Camosun communications instructor Randy Spyce. “I pointed out that it probably wasn’t lager in the bowl.”