A lot has been made in recent years about the concept of toxic masculinity and its harmful effects on society. In this piece, I am going to attempt to cut through some of the noise surrounding this topic to get to the core of the discussion: what differentiates the two.
First, I want to establish what my definition of toxic masculinity is and isn’t. Toxic masculinity is exemplified anytime a man lets his masculinity override reason. It’s quickness to anger and refusal to communicate. It can manifest as bottled-up emotions and walls that only come down for violence or “locker-room talk” or behaviour that crosses a line.
Toxic masculinity is not competitiveness or adhering to personal priorities and boundaries, and it is certainly not toxic to live your life according to religious values.
With definitions established let’s dive into how this relates to us as college students.
A common way that toxic masculinity shows up in college-aged men is sex. Treating sex as a conquest in the way you act or speak can be incredibly harmful. I try to live by the rule not to say anything that would upset me if it were said about my sister. Your boys don’t need to hear every detail.
Communication is key in almost all facets of college life. True toxic masculinity makes this difficult because of an inability to communicate emotional points of view. There’s a time and a place for purely logic-based conversation, but an inability to deal with emotions in conversation can cause some serious roadblocks in personal and professional relationships, especially when anger is the alternative reaction.
Healthy masculinity in interpersonal relationships can show in different ways: setting boundaries when things don’t align with your priorities, communicating calmly and authentically, and treating people with respect no matter the context. One of the healthiest things you can do is pause a conversation if you feel you may act irrationally in the heat of the moment.
The biggest difference between toxic and healthy masculinity is how you handle things, people, and concepts that you don’t agree with. For better or worse the world looks a lot different than it did 10 years ago, and with the current political landscape, you almost certainly encounter things that you don’t agree with on a daily basis. Respecting others and being able to have a civil conversation even regarding charged topics is one of the biggest signs of healthy masculinity.