What does consent sound like to you? Like many others, you may know what consent means in theory but struggle to imagine a scenario where it’s used properly. So, what is consent? How is it used? And why do we, the people living in the 21st century, seem to be so bad at it?
To put it simply, consent is a permission or allowance of something. If you’re at a friend’s house and they ask you if you’d like a cup of tea, you can say, “Sure, that sounds great,” or, “No, thank you.” If you say no, then your friend knows you don’t want a cup of tea; it would be rude of them to make you tea without asking and then expect you to drink it. (There is a really great video on YouTube that uses this tea example; search “tea and consent” to see it.)
Consent is used in a number of ways and for a variety of purposes. Most of the time we might not even realize we’re doing it. Imagine a server brings food to your table and asks if you want extra cheese on your food. Or perhaps someone requests to borrow your favorite stapler at work. Or maybe a partner asks if you’re comfortable with them staying the night. Each of these scenarios has a request for permission to do something, and you are well within your rights to deny any of them.
It seems pretty easy, but a lot of people struggle with these concepts. And there’s a huge reason why.
Have you ever been to a large family get-together? Thanksgiving dinner, a birthday, a trip? No matter the occasion, there’s always the expected greetings for relatives or close family friends. Great-uncle Bob, who you’ve met twice in your life, is probably expecting a hug due to your familial relationship. Even though you barely know him, there’s a standard for what’s expected from you, so even if you’re not a big hugger, you’ll most likely deal with the uncomfortable hug so you don’t have to “cause a scene.”
But why are we like this? Why are we so comfortable being uncomfortable? It likely boils down to how we were raised.
How often have you observed a toddler or young kid who doesn’t want to hug or kiss someone? They definitely don’t have a problem stating what they’re comfortable with. They’ll push away and say “NO!” but the parents will usually force them to do it anyway. They’ll say things like, “How could you hurt Mom’s feelings like that?” or, “We’re family,” and expect that to justify their clear overstepping of the kid’s boundaries. As kids, we’re taught that there are simply things that we must do, or don’t have a say in, and this transfers to adulthood. If your boundaries aren’t respected as a child, then it’s unlikely you’ll respect boundaries set by others as an adult.
There is good news in this, though. Consent is something that can be learned and practiced. Just like any other skill, it might take a while to fully develop, but it’s definitely worth it. There are thousands of amazing examples online, but even a simple, “Hey, just confirming that you’re okay with this” can be so incredibly useful for pretty much any relationship—romantic or otherwise.
In a society burdened by ambiguity, consent is key to a healthy relationship.