I am not always an easy person to deal with—either in close relationships or more casually through work, school, and other social networks. I can be argumentative (just ask my instructors), pushy (ask my family), and sometimes I think I know what other people need or want, and brazenly offer my unsolicited advice and all-knowing wisdom.
One of the many blessings of addiction recovery and the 12-step path is the opportunity to see myself clearly. Indeed, any method by which we can come to see our patterns, including how we interact with and relate to others, is a gift to ourselves and everyone we impact—which is everyone—directly or indirectly.
Addiction recovery is much more than simply stopping doing the addictive thing we’re doing, although that is the basis of it. Through the process, we find out how our psyches work, layer by layer. If we commit to the process and are honest each step of the way, we discover how we are manipulative, passive-aggressive, punishing, mistrustful, inconsistent, confusing, gossip-prone, and so on.
Like many people, you might find you’re trying to hide these aspects of your psyche from others as well as from yourself. This is a stressful way to live. Moreover, it prevents us from connecting with others and keeps us trapped in addictive behaviour.
When we stop trying to hide, we find others who support and love us on this journey through the mires of our maladaptive mind patterns. As well, we get to discover the ways in which we are resilient, loving, generous, kind, sensitive, creative, talented, caring, intelligent, and brave, which is awesome, as one would imagine.
While we get to know all of these qualities, or patterns—both admirable and not—within ourselves, we also become aware of something very key to the process of recovering from our dysfunctional conditioning: we are not our conditioning. We are not our thoughts. We are not our emotions; we are not our addictions.
Paradoxically, when we see clearly the patterns of our minds just as that—patterns—and not who we are most fundamentally, we can acknowledge our shortcomings when necessary and refrain from disapproving of ourselves for having negative patterns, such as addiction, in the first place. In short, we can stop being stuck; we can change.
I can admit to being pushy, or bossy, or angry, or manipulative, even in the midst of it, and because I do not attach my sense of self to such patterns as much, I can let go of blame and self-judgment. In this process I am actively practicing a new, healthier pattern not driven by addiction.
With continued practice, we begin to offer this awareness to others. We can see another’s emotions or behaviour not as who they are but as patterns they’ve developed. We can be easier on others in light of this awareness—more forgiving, less judgmental.
We are all very connected. When we help ourselves, we help others. When we can accept ourselves—or, rather, our mind patterns—we can accept others.