Like many sex and love addicts, I also fall under the category of “codependent.” I think this term is fairly common today, but still there is significant misunderstanding and lack of knowledge around codependency. It is not a healthy way of depending on others, like interdependence, where both or all people are whole and complete in themselves.
Interdependence requires that we can and do take care of our own needs first, and that we are able to exist in the world (as adults), without a specific other person. Codependency may seem romantic—“I can’t live without you!” Media often presents romance this way as a notion to strive after. In reality, however, that type of so-called love is a sickness. There’s a difference between needing others and needing a specific other.
Codependents become addicted to other people, who are often addicted to something else, such as alcohol or porn. We become fixated on the other person and hyper-focused on their problems and what they should do to become healthier.
A partner, son, daughter, or parent and their issues can become a useful decoy to draw all attention away from us as codependents; they can also be a project to be absorbed by. As codependents we are unconsciously seeking control over another to make up for a sense that we have no control over ourselves. We try to take care of and manage anyone except ourselves to make up for a childhood in which we lacked proper care and attention.
Active codependents are unable to be alone—to live alone, or to be without a romantic relationship or some other enmeshed relationship. To be alone is to face ourselves. Facing ourselves means we are ready to see the truth of our codependency and the harm it inflicts upon our lives, and the lives of others.
I can attest that being codependent is a terrible, disempowering way to feel and live. There was a time when I felt so alone in the world that I would rather be abused than face this darkness. Relationships with men were a trap, as I was not free to leave, even when I consciously wanted to.
Moreover, living out this unconscious pattern of codependency denied me the ability to be honest with others about what I felt, needed, and wanted. As a result, I operated in a manipulative and covert manner in my attempts to be loved, understood, and heard. I had no idea how to create or enforce boundaries; I didn’t even know what boundaries were.
In recovering from codependency we can discover who we really are, what we like, who we actually love—a love not based in need—while letting others be free to be themselves and make their own choices. We can let others go when necessary. We can experience what it is to be empowered and independent, and with that, we can enjoy the gift of healthy connection with others.