I began this column about addiction last year, and it started with my story. To make a very long tale short, life directed my awareness—rather forcefully—toward the fact that I was living as an active addict. This awareness came largely through a series of painful events, most notably a relationship with a physically and emotionally abusive man, who was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, to boot.
Perhaps it’s needless to say that it was a very dark time. This man was very difficult to leave for several reasons. But the reason I’m concerned with here has its roots in addiction. I came to realize that I was living a life controlled by addiction, primarily sex and love addiction, as it’s called in 12-step circles.
Addiction is an entire way of existing. It creates a false personality that is superimposed over who we really are. It is a linear mind map that is punctuated by planned-out points of pleasure. It is an escape from reality, or at least it distracts us sufficiently so we don’t notice reality for a little while. The problem is that it’s a trap. It leads nowhere, and instead of making reality better, it makes it worse.
Addiction is insidious and often difficult to detect at all. Often the effects of it need to become glaringly obvious, as they became for me in being with a disturbingly violent and manipulative man. Moreover, it is painful to face the truth when we are caught in addiction.
Dismal as this may sound, there is good news—indeed, more good than bad, in my opinion. Facing the truth—whatever it may be—is extraordinarily powerful and is the foundation of the path toward freedom. The moment I was able to say “I am an addict,” it was clear that addiction was at the root of all my problems in life. It was the reason I could not find self-respect or peace of mind.
With a tiny bit of self-compassion I was able to see that I had not become an addict through any fault of my own, yet now it was my responsibility to recover from this affliction.
And so I have been. Through recovery I have found self-respect, peace of mind, deep compassion for myself and others, genuine connections with my fellow humans, and purpose in each moment of my life.
If you are addicted to sex, relationships, drugs, porn, food, shopping, social media, or anything else, you are not alone. I believe virtually everyone is an addict to a greater or lesser extent. And I believe that we need honesty and openness, and to risk vulnerability, if we are to recover.
The world is a reflection of each of us. If we can be willing to heal ourselves, we can transform the world.