As someone recovering from sex and love addiction (as well as addiction to other behaviours), I have many friends in the community of addicts. In my last article, I talked about the necessity of community and connection with others if we are to recover our true selves and live meaningful, fulfilling lives.
The gift of learning to socialize in a healthy way and develop genuine friendships with awesome, inspiring individuals has been one of the best parts of recovery. We can also learn a great deal from having honest, open relationships with people in which we share our experiences, including things we are not exactly proud of.
I consider it a privilege to be part of a community where we can be vulnerable and open. In observing others, and myself, there is one distinct aspect of the cycle of addiction that stands out: shame.
Shame is at the core of all addictive behaviour—and any relapse—and, generally, is the root of all persistent, enduring, or unbearable emotional suffering. Shaming ourselves is the part of the cycle that must be acknowledged and intercepted to create new patterns in how we think, feel, behave, and live.
The interesting thing is that even those of us who intellectually understand shame well can easily be caught in the stranglehold of self-shaming without being aware of it.
Shame is so deeply engrained in many of us that we regard it as a normal way to “talk” to ourselves, and, therefore, a normal way to feel.
Shame is likely a major part of the cause of addiction. It feels very bad, and addictive behaviour is a well-meaning attempt to feel good. Learning to regard ourselves with unconditional compassion is the key. It is absolutely a necessary part of healing that will lead to increased self-respect and a greater ability to thrive and to open up and enjoy life.
A few years ago I was in a relationship with a physically and emotionally abusive man and was painfully ashamed of who I was and where I was in life. I knew better on every level, but shame—which is part of the cycle of addiction, as well as the cycle of abuse—kept me imprisoned. Awareness of my own patterns of shame was the igniting spark that enabled me (with the help of others) to leave a damaging and dangerous person.
Discover how you shame yourself (or how others shame you), and you will be at the precipice of a new and very different reality. This is the gateway to freedom.