In a society where you can often find yourself surrounded by people who seem certain that the fate of the world hinges on their ability to propagate and adhere to trending Web 2.0 gospels, it can sometimes be difficult to affirm the value of your mundane World 1.0 existence.
When catechized by these hashtag-hyped proselytizers, you may find yourself tempted to offer a scandalously honest response like “I’m not sure,” “I think it’s more complicated than that,” or “No, thanks—I’m actually taking care of my own priorities right now. Also, I didn’t ask for your advice, nor have you shown a genuine interest in my life or values.”
Such frank, heretical statements of uncertainty, mild skepticism, and self-advocacy are likely to be met with wide-eyed expressions of shock or furrowed brows of disgust. “Don’t you realize how insignificant your life and personal responsibilities are in comparison with The Cause?” their pained faces will cry out. “Haven’t you read The News?”
Indeed, to those gripped by the jaws of panic, desperation, and blind certainty, your trifling attendance to a different value system and heinous application of critical thinking may come across as an affront to their upvote-sanctified Supreme Narrative—a cardinal sin.
But being able to weave a delicate path through the roaring orgy of self-righteous solicitors vying for your participation can mean the difference between retaining a modicum of integrity and agency on any given day and of being emotionally hijacked.
For your consideration, here are a few ways to gracefully escape an ideological mob before you’re lured in too deep.
1: Try to interject and guide the conversation to a more productive topic. If they keep preaching, tell them that you have to poop and walk away swiftly.
2: Nod like you’re watching someone dribble a basketball. This will ward off suspicion that you might be impure or a demon incarnate. When your neck gets tired, tell them that you have to poop and walk away swiftly.
3: Ideological mobs regularly use Newspeak to stupefy listeners’ brains. Play a different language game by casually dropping “quantum physics” into the mix and gibbering about it incessantly. When you’re ready to leave, tell them that you have to poop and walk away swiftly.
Above all, remember that regular bowel movements are just as important to human well-being as any narrative that domineering ideologues shove down your throat.