Last issue, I talked (or vented and gave our poor editor an extra grey hair or two) about my frustration with “fuckboys” and the role they play in today’s society. I think it’s important to acknowledge just that: they play a role. They are not the be-all-end-all of the dating pool, and as a society we function as a democracy, not a dictatorship.
Fuckboys get away with their behaviour because the patriarchy allows it and, until incredibly recently, encourages it (in many cases it actually still does encourage it). Yes, the pendulum is swinging the other way, but it doesn’t change the fact that fuckboyishness is a taught behavior. As is women’s tolerance of it.
The reality is, as much as we are currently fighting tooth and nail to change the perspective, there are thousands of years of tolerance engrained in us that, on an instinctive level, tell us that “boys will be boys” and that as women, we are expected to allow and—even worse—accept this behaviour.
Yes, logically, we know this is no longer true, and my feminist self hates me for admitting this, but that inherent drive doesn’t just change overnight.
I still find myself being the nurturer, coaxing emotional responses, and rewarding men like they’re puppies who earned a treat when they correctly identify emotions. And, really, is that doing any of us a favour? But what’s the alternative? Roll the paper up and bop them on the nose when they say something sexist or make a mess on the carpet? Is that helpful in rewriting the narrative? Or is my hesitancy just another example of the engrained beliefs of the patriarchy?
And at what point do we acknowledge that women are just done? We’re done asking nicely; we’re done being understanding; we’re done sacrificing our self-worth and emotions for the fuckboys of the world.
But maybe, just maybe, in this time of anger, it’s important to show a little compassion. That doesn’t mean we have to tolerate the behaviour, but how realistic is it to expect this behaviour to change overnight? There may be some truth to the old saying “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
It doesn’t mean we should give up on the old dogs, but maybe we should turn our attention to the puppies—the younger generation who have yet to have opinions and behaviours formed by the patriarchy. Maybe we should give them the tools to treat our daughters the way we want to be treated.