Recently I saw a post on Facebook about how asking for consent ruins the moment. And I mean, yeah, if your partner pulls away when things are getting hot and heavy and stone-faced asks, “Do you consent to engaging in coitus with me at the present moment?” it might… although I reserve the right to try this and get back to you.
But here’s the thing: there’s this great entity called language, and we can use it to communicate our needs and desires to our sexual partners.
Blogger Bimbo Toys for Pretty Boys wrote a brilliant Tumblr post about how asking for consent simply requires a little imagination. Highlights from their post include: “Purring ‘do you want it?’ into your partner’s ear before you fuck is hot… Looking into your partner’s eyes and asking ‘may I?’ in a voice breathy with desire before you kiss them is super hot… And ‘Do you want me to pin you up against this wall and fuck you till you’re screaming my name?’ is just basically dirty talk.”
(Katy’s disclaimer: without establishing prior consent to dirty talk, this last one might get you in trouble. You might want to start with, “Do you consent to engaging in dirty talk with me?” before proceeding.)
The point is this: sexual consent doesn’t have to ruin the moment. Also, if we’re mature enough to engage in coitus, should we not be mature enough to say, “Do you want to?”
I would also like to point out that even if someone has agreed to sexual relations in the past, it doesn’t mean they consent this time. Maybe they’re sick, or they ate too much pasta and their tummy feels bloated; maybe they’re freaked out that your cat likes to watch, or maybe they’re simply not in the mood.
And while it might be a bummer to have your partner say “no” when your body’s entire volume of blood has taken up residence in your crotch, it’s also super important to note that ignoring the vital step of asking for consent could lead to #metoo.
And if that’s not a mood killer, I don’t know what is.