Understanding the concept of consent should not be that difficult. Anything other than an uninfluenced, unpressured, clearly vocalized “yes” means “no.”
So why did it just take multiple minutes of me staring at my computer screen, taking an opinion poll of my friends, and looking up a dictionary definition for me to define “consent”?
While the concept should be super easy to understand, it’s a multifaceted issue. But, to be clear, I do not mean there is wiggle room with consent. There is no grey area when it comes to acquiring consent. None. Let me reiterate: anything other than an uninfluenced, unpressured, clearly vocalized “yes” means “no.” Got it?
The grey area lies in the giving of consent. Without vocalizing a clear “yes,” there is no permission. The person giving consent holds all the cards. All the power.
Coming at this from the opinion of a straight female, I can say based on my life experience, when it comes to giving consent, I have not found it to be a powerful position. It’s a position of self-doubt, a position of not wanting to be pigeonholed a prude, a tease, or—even worse—rude.
It’s a position of years of ego-chipping built on “if he pulls your pigtails, it means he likes you,” and “you can’t wear that. Boys will get the wrong idea.” It’s a position of dress codes as a teenager and, later, moving in self-preserving packs at the bar.
To be powerful, one needs to be empowered— and to know without a doubt that anything other than an uninfluenced, unpressured, clearly vocalized “yes” means “no.”
I hope this concept will be ingrained in future generations from such an early age that they will never question it.
But what about the rest of us? What about the women who grew up being taught “no means no” and everything else had a grey area attached to it? And even in the crystal-clear world of “no means no” there’s a million asterisks—what were you wearing? Were you drinking?
When you Google the word “consent,” the definition that pops up includes the synonyms “yield to,” “give in to,” and “submit to.” And until very recently, this was an accurate description. That mentality doesn’t change overnight.
Consent is a taught skill. And many of us are still trying to find our voices in the rules of a game that has changed us from being prey to being equal participants.