I would be perfectly justified if I hated men.
It’s a statement I’ve made many times to cis men, after a conversation where I “out” myself as a feminist and state that feminism is about equality. The gears turn, they get the look, they blurt out that feminism is about hating men. They expect me to lash out, to shove my opinion down their throat, to be unaccepting. They act that way because of our intolerance toward them.
It’s pretty obvious that people are capable of doing nasty things to each other. Well before I was old enough to defend myself, nasty things were being done to me. That treatment continued until I was approaching 30.
It’s normal.
I’ve started conversations with men who have strong female partners, nerdy men who scream abuse at me in video games, men who want to be supportive, men who say they’re feminists but aren’t. The only thing they have in common is that they identify with how they were born, and they have been on the receiving end of hatred and intolerance because of it.
Then there’s the cis man who is starting to become aware of his privilege. He has no choice; it’s being shoved in his face. He wants to be supportive but hasn’t been conditioned to accept harsh words or criticism. He hasn’t grown up being hated and abused because of his gender. He tries, but he might be ignorant and say the wrong thing. Those angry, fed-up feminists see him as part of the problem and come down on him.
It’s hard to be supportive when the response is intolerance. He’s tried, and it was clearly unwanted; he gives up. When that happens, he is failing all of the women in his life. He is unwilling to speak up in support of them. Maybe he doesn’t see the treatment as okay, but his ego won’t allow him to care.
He becomes part of the problem because of this intolerance.
Behind every conversation has been frustration. Men want to be supportive and are treated like they are unaware of their privilege. Some are. In the case of the cis man, it’s, frequently, dangerous to start talking about privilege.
Every time I start these conversations, I’m sweating, shaking; my heart is beating hard and fast. I don’t hate men; I’m terrified of them. Through that terror, I understand the need to be supportive to get support. While the number of men standing up for women increases, it is still far too low.
I’m not saying that feelings of anger or fear—even hate—aren’t justified. They are; feelings are a basic human right. What is not justifiable is using those feelings to hurt another person, and that includes the cis man.