Hi so OMG whoa these spring classes are long like hours and hours long my head is spinning more than usual! Here are some fortune cookies LOL I mean fortunes.
Aries: Accidentally Aries! Totally a new movie I’m writing in my head LOL. Just kidding, and by the way, I hope you manage to buy a lotto ticket this time around because even though you’re totally not going to win (as if) you will have a life-changing experience on the way to the store!
Taurus: Hi! Ummm listen tag along with Aries when they’re doing their thing, they’ve got more good luck than they know what to do with this time around and to be honest you really don’t.
Gemini: I was just reading how scientists “discovered a new shape”! LOL I discover so many new things every day I don’t understand how that’s exciting. Yesterday I discovered a new kind of animal! It was this cat-dog thing I saw while meditating in the middle of Hillside. LOL not the mall the road! Totes not allowed to do that in the mall. Anyway, Gemini, your lucky numbers are 2, 3, and Y.
Cancer: LOL totally pulling Gemini’s leg there.
Leo: So ummm sometimes when I read the Next-Ish or whatever this website is called I see they have a big huge story called a “feature,” I wonder if I could write a big huge story sometime (No-ed.) I’d call it “River’s Rants”! LOL just kidding, and Leo, watch out for ostriches ‘cuz they can be downright nasty.
Virgo: Hi! So, umm, let’s get this straight. You want to know your future but you did WHAT yesterday? LOL don’t think so!
Libra: Are you friends with Virgo? If so, don’t tell them this: their future involves birdhouses. Yours involves fishing wire. Can I come along?
Scorpio: So did you go to Cadboro Bay between April 3 and 5? I told you not to. Ummm trouble is I meant Cordova Bay. What, like you’ve never made that mistake before? Anyway, hope you’re still alive. Maybe find me and let me know.
Sagittarius: So umm hi totally wasn’t trying to be mean to you last time. Sometimes I just say stuff. I actually think you’re really cool so here: the next drink’s on me! LOL just kidding I’m nowhere near you right now and here’s your future: wear the colour red and do a duck dance in the road on a rainy spring day and it’ll all work out.
Capricorn: Capricorn, I totally just told Sagittarius something that wasn’t even real, just wanted to make them look silly because between you and me they bug me and I’m glad no one reads any of these that aren’t their own! Oh, and for you: Mars in retrograde, Capricornio superfade!
Aquarius: Hi! I’m organizing a first annual Aquarius get-together, I’m thinking in the big field outside the Young Building, just look inside your mind for the date and time. Now, watch out for those weird guys who wave red flags in front of bulls and you’ll be fine.
Pisces: You again? LOL just kidding! You’re my pal, right next to me here on the ol’ cosmos list. Between you and me, you can come to the Aquarius get-together. In the meantime, avoid all numbers, all letters, and… um, good luck there.