So someone told me it’s winter but it’s totally not winter, that’s in December! The cosmos works in weird ways, but not THAT weird!
Aries: So, that exam was pretty hard, right? That’s because you didn’t study enough, not because of the cosmos LOL.
Taurus: Do you ever just sit and think about the word “cosmos”? I do, and it’s like, whoa, next thing you know I’m think about cosplay and that’s a word I only just learned the meaning of!
Gemini: Someone complained that I don’t do enough actual predicting and get off topic [That was me, RiverŃed]. So, here’s some predicting: I predict that you’re going to walk through Fisher and Ewing today, but no way are you walking through Dawson. Amiright or amiright?
Cancer: I think you need to worry less about worrying and… OMG that doesn’t make any sense! If you’re worrying less that must mean you’re worrying, right? Or, no, wait…
Leo: You’ve got a big life change coming up and it maybe involves huge rolled up pieces of fabric and I have no idea what that means so keep me posted k?
Virgo: Sometimes I skip my Visual Arts class and just sit on the lawn and think about pi, and how long that number goes on for! Virgos, I think you know what I mean when I say the pi is nigh.
Libra: Libras, I think YOU know what I mean when I say the pie is night! LOL just kidding, but keep an eye out for rotary phones, cassette tapes, and fax lines because that means you’ve gone back in time and you’re kinda in trouble.
Scorpio: There are silverfish in your future. Sorry! I really wish it wasn’t true but it totally is.
Sagittarius: It just dawned on me that I’ve never even read Nexus! Is it a website or what? What’s going on? Sagittarius, look out for people who only put one “t” in that word, and if your name has a “t” in it, those who double are double trouble.
Capricorn: Listen, is everything working out for you this year, in regards to what I’ve been telling you? Because I just realized I’ve been getting you and Pisces mixed up. So, talk to Libra, find out how they went back in time (!), do it, then look at my old columns and make sure you’re all square.
Aquarius: Aquarius! Fellow star traveller, you can’t hide everything from River: your birthday was recently! Umm… guess my invite got lost in the mail! Or, by email! What, are you going to tell me “it’s probably in my junk folder” next? Please stop lying. I still love you, fellow Aquarius person! Lucky number is 1 (LOL, 1), and lucky life is everything! Wow! Um, I feel dizzy.
Pisces: See Capricorn.