Hi! So, totally someone thinks I’m making fun of astrology. Totally I’m not! Why WOULDN’T the stars and planets be able to tell me what’s in your future? Totally real. Totally go away if you don’t believe me. I’ve even got a crystal ball! It’s got little lines of electricity that come up to my fingers when I touch it! Totally real.
Aries: Hi! LOL you’re always first. So, you’ll probably be first in line somewhere the next couple weeks.
Taurus: Uh-oh, umm, last time I said I meant 77 when I said 76 the time before last time but, um, totally meant 76 to begin with. Can we just go back in time and fix that? LOL, as if!
Gemini: I’m eating chips and I think it’s making things greasy. So, avoid chips! No, don’t, they’re the best!
Cancer: Hi! How’s everything going? Look out for business meetings and try to get that love life ramped up a bit, k?
Leo: So, after last issue’s column, I met a Leo named Lee! SO COOL! I figured if we combined our names we’d be Riverlee. Say it loud, it’s like Riverly, LOL. Hi, Lee!
Virgo: Lucky number is 13! Ummm… whoa. That’s some freaky stuff right there!
Libra: Focus on the classes you think are easiest; they’re not always. And, buy me a drink. LOL, didn’t see that coming!
Scorpio: Holy cow, how many more of these are left?
Sagittarius: I get you mixed up with Scorpio because you both start with “s” and you’re right next to each other. So, to you AND Scorpio, I say this: a mistake with homonyms will lead to a humorous, if not catastrophic, misunderstanding. Look out!
Capricorn: Mo! LOL… oh, wait, that’s what I said last time. Doesn’t make much sense here, does it? Capricorn! What’s up?
Aquarius: You probably don’t know this, but I’m an Aquarius, too! NO KIDDING. Totally best sign. What’s your sign? AQUARIUS, if you’re me, LOL.
Pisces: So, um… did you get up on the downlow, like I predicted you would? Um… what did that end up meaning? Like, was it dirty, or was it just like “things are good, man,” or what? Let me know! Bye, everyone! Especially you, Lee!